Do you have a garden of resentment?

My sisters and I started talking at a recent family gathering about how different we face each of our conflicts. We remember our teenage years when one or two of us would easily blow up with my mom or dad when something didn’t go their way (I’m not naming names!). This kind of reaction, which we all remember, was amazing for those of us who bit our lip, acted like everything was fine, and hid to lick our wounds.

I am one of those who would hide. But the sadness or anger (usually the operative emotion) did not evaporate. I fed it by feeling sorry for myself, having bad thoughts about my parents, or complaining to a friend.

It may be this time of year, I hear birdsong as I write, but as we talked, an image came to mind in a garden: tending to the wounded, cultivating self-righteousness, and giving the victim water. place in my body and heart.

I grew up as an accomplished gardener. He was well into adulthood before he realized that he was actually growing nothing but resentment. And little by little I was killing my relationships and myself. Fearing to vent anger and damage the relationship, I was, in my own way, doing the same damage. So I started looking for another way.

In conflicts and difficult conversations, we generally see two paths: acting out anger in a tense and harsh way (exploding), or avoiding and pretending that things are fine (closing). I started looking at the communicators who had found a third way; who combined a straightforward and straightforward approach with empathy and curiosity. People who could be present, address your concerns, and be heard.

I was motivated to learn and gradually improved. I made mistakes. Sometimes he was too assertive; sometimes he nods too. Teaching these skills for almost two decades, I am still learning.

Here are some practices to help you make a third decision when you are about to attack or close:

To stay. Pema Chodron talks about the ability to stay present with whatever is happening in your mind, heart and body. I call it centered. Don’t react. When you can be present with yourself, you can do it with others.

Know your purpose. The power of purpose always trumps reaction. What do you want to achieve with this communication? What do you want the relationship to look like? Focus on what you want.

Be curious. Of all the skills I teach, curiosity is in the top three. (You have already read the other two). Decide to be interested, fascinated and open to learning, about them and about yourself. This is how you stay powerful and present.

Every difficult moment is a ki moment. Take every opportunity to create the life you want.