Mom stands in line

Not long ago, I saw Kevin Spacey make some fun prints on Tonight’s show with Jimmy Fallon. Spacey imitates that show’s late host, the inimitable Johnny Carson, particularly well. In fact, Spacey pretended to be Carson’s son in his younger (and far less famous) years to gain entry to exclusive clubs, parties and shows, “borrowing” tuxedos from the props rooms.

Kevin Spacey had nothing on Mom. She made such good impressions that she could (and did) call her own mother to mess with her. And he could write a name on a dime, but only if he realized someone was being pretentious. If you saw an opportunity to confuse someone too full of themselves, bolt the door, Nellie.

Years ago (Mom would be ninety-one if she were still with us here), one of my uncles was in a major university hospital for surgery. I will not say which. I might want to visit my home state again one day.) Some of my aunts, an uncle, and Mom came to visit him that day.

Of course, they were hungry while there, so they went to the hospital cafeteria. Should I say coffee shops. Things were different in those days. There was a separate and nicer dining room for doctors and surgeons. Mom didn’t want any of that.

Dressed to the nines, Mom and the others lined up with the doctors. They chatted about “their patient”, addressed each other appropriately, and dined in style. Meanwhile, those around them were trying to find out who these intruders were.

Today they would never get away with such jokes. With tight security, nameplate credentials, locked doors, and card locks – all good things – it would be nearly impossible for one person to pull such a prank. Also, these days I never see separate dining rooms in hospitals.

However, Mom trained me well. When I was the age she was during her trip to the doctor, I entertained myself by becoming a mannequin in fine clothing or department stores. You haven’t been amused until you strike such a perfect pose on a store pedestal that you can scare a grown man with a slight wink.

But in the time of the hospital’s history, Mom and her accomplices finished their meals, completely amused and proud of themselves. As they exited the dining room, still calling each other Dr. So-and-so, a true doctor whose curiosity finally got the better of him showed up and asked who they were. It was handed to Mom on a silver platter.

As they all walked away confidently, she turned to him and whispered loudly, “We are spies for Duke.”