Lifestyle Fashion

Surviving Infidelity: Feeling Sad or Stoic?

One of the main reasons people fail to survive infidelity is to fall into the denial trap. It may seem easier to bury your head in the sand like an ostrich, but denial is just one of many unhealthy responses that will eventually affect you physically, psychologically, and spiritually. If you choose to insist on a lie, it will destroy you in the end.

But one thing that almost no one understands is that there are many different ways to practice denial. I solved it the hard way and hope to save you the trouble.

DENIAL LEADS TO CONFUSION

After learning about my husband’s little secret, my mind didn’t want to adjust to the fact that it wasn’t a bad dream and it was time to face reality. In my attempts to collect facts from my spouse, I was left feeling angry, hurt, disappointed, and many other feelings that are difficult to identify. My discoveries only led me to further bewilderment. My attempt to get out of the boat of denial only led to confusion.

I didn’t know where to start. So I started by becoming a stoic. I convinced myself that I had to ignore my feelings and figure out how to get on with life in this new reality. I no longer denied that my marriage had broken down, but I denied my emotional responses to that certainty. I tried to resist my pain, but instead learned how that only made things worse.

DENIAL LEADS TO CORRUPTION

I became a severe foreman with my children. I was rigid with family members, demanding that they accept my rigid exterior because I no longer had time to talk “foolishly” about my feelings. Although I was trying to avoid a divorce, I was harsh and severe in my communication with my husband, which only made things worse.

At the end of the day, I would feel guilty for being so strict and cry myself to sleep, wondering how I had become such a monster.

One night I finally gave up. I recognized that I could no longer repress anger and all other feelings. And in that moment, I finally recognized what I had been feeling for a long time, but had not been able to pin down. It was pain.

ACCEPTANCE LEADS TO HEALING

Once I realized that I was grieving the loss of my marriage, it all made sense. I was overwhelmed by grief and finally allowed myself to feel sad. I suffered the anguish of having to let go of something very precious to me. Whether my marriage could be resurrected or not, the death of my sixteen-year relationship was real. Everything related to my marriage to the point of infidelity had to be released.

Although he knew he had to move on, he was now free to “hurt”. Who would deny a widow her tears? Yet that is precisely what I had done to myself. I was still angry and sad, but now I gave myself permission to experience those emotions. I didn’t try to shut up my pain and pretend that I could bear it. He was done trying to be stoic. He hadn’t really avoided any pain by denying it. If anything, it escalated because he hadn’t expressed it properly.

And once I stopped denying my feelings, I was able to identify them more easily. Sometimes we don’t know exactly “how” it hurts, which makes the pain even more difficult to handle. Similar to a visit to the doctor, you need a proper diagnosis to effectively treat the disease. You must evaluate your feelings in order to face them.

FOUR “A” TO ESCAPE THE TRAP OF DENIAL

1. Acknowledge your feelings, don’t ignore them

2. Assess Your Feelings – Identify Them

3. Allow yourself to feel, express them

4. Accept how your feelings affect you – you won’t always be satisfied

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