The myth of the most devastating duel of all and how to fight it
Myths of grief abound and have been passed down from generation to generation as they become “the truth.” The result for most of those who mourn the death of a loved one is that they incur much more unnecessary suffering. These myths range from crying is a sign of weakness and you need to be strong until you will be the same as before in a couple of months and you will not cry as much.
However, the myth with the most lasting and painful consequences is: you must let go and cut all ties with the deceased. Adherents to this monster myth have generally been heavily influenced by those in their support group who have grown weary of the continual pain and repetition of the grieving process. Here are some important considerations for the inherent need to establish a new but different relationship with the deceased.
1. Historically, we have always drawn on the wisdom of the deceased for use in solving current problems and still do. We celebrate their lives, build buildings and monuments to honor them, and in some cases even preserve their heritage and where they once lived.
2. It is advisable to use the experiences and ideas of a deceased relative to make decisions and obtain information about a particular problem. This is intelligence in action. It does not mean that you should do what the deceased would do if you think it would not be appropriate. It is to use a resource like any other resource in decision making,
3. A person dies but the normal thing is that the relationship never dies. This is how our memories work, and there is good reason for it, as suggested above. So you don’t have to forget or get rid of any reminders (unless they bring you sadness). That goes against our own nature.
4. Each new relationship with the deceased will be different. Some will be stronger than others. Some will be more inspiring than others. Some will have very little interaction. The relationship is based on what is desired and ultimately on memories, legacies, and symbolic interaction.
5. Clearly, there is nothing pathological about establishing a new relationship with the deceased, as long as the bereaved is in the normal business of accepting death, reinvesting in a new life, and not basing their decisions on what the deceased would have wanted him to do. be done. . No one should rule the life of a survivor. The survivor makes decisions about what they consider to be the way forward. You just don’t act like the deceased is here and alive like in your old world.
6. Therefore, it is okay to take some of the loved one’s values, or favorite sayings, even manners, and embrace them as long as doing so is not regressive or detracts from ongoing personal growth.
7. Use anything you want to have belonged to the deceased (clothing, jewelry, something your loved one made or bought for you) as a way to connect and remember memories. Or use a lit candle at special family celebrations, enjoy your favorite food or dessert, make a commemorative quilt, or even create a new tradition to honor your loved one.
In short, establishing a new relationship with your deceased loved one is normal and can enrich your life. Let your wishes and creativity be your guides. Decide what is best for your memory and how you want to honor the deceased.
Stay away from places, people, or reminders that bring you sadness until you have more fully accepted death, both emotionally and intellectually. In the meantime, use the new relationship as inspiration to reinvest in the next chapter of your life.