Freedom without the consequences
Today’s teenager is given greater freedoms than any other teenager who has come before him. Many have a cell phone, many have use of a car at the age of 16, and almost all of them demand greater freedom but do not want the responsibility of the consequences. They have come to take their freedoms for granted and have done little to take responsibility for their behavior.
Our teenagers have come to expect greater rights. They expect certain privileges to be extended to them as a matter of course. They don’t usually ask if they can do something, they tell us. They consider their non-stop schedule to be routine, certainly not out of the ordinary. Look around you, all the other parents of teenagers are also on the same merry-go-round. We pamper our children from an early age with sports clubs, private lessons, lavish parties and graduations, and we seek their happiness first by letting recreation take precedence over housework. And we wonder why our teens think primarily of themselves. We, as a generation of parents, have overindulged in indulging our children in the belief that they have a right to have fun, seek pleasure at all costs, and enjoy life without the balance of work and responsibility.
One warm summer day, I was outside mowing the lawn while my daughter was working on her artwork and my son was “finishing” a video game. Across the street, a couple was washing their car while their son was in the garage practicing his drums. At the end of the street, a father, wearing goggles and protective clothing, balanced the brushcutter while his two sons played catch. Have we gone crazy? I shared this scenario with several of my therapist friends and asked them, “How did we get into this situation with our children?” To date, no one has given me a reasonable answer. I have personally come to believe, being a single parent myself, that since 50% of marriages end in divorce, 50% of us feel guilty and spoil our children too much to make up for our failure as parents. With so many more Disneyland parents around, there are so many more kids vying for rights.
I know that as a parent I find it much easier to give in than to reason with my teenage son’s ambition to “be entertained all the time.” I also know that when I give in, most of the time it is motivated by my desire for them to be happy. Are we serving our teens by suggesting that life is about being happy? Shouldn’t they learn that sometimes there are disappointments or responsibilities? It takes a lot of patience and perseverance to reason logically with your teen about the importance of balance: game vs. responsibilities, happiness vs. have to. None of us like it, but we must be prepared for the heat when we say “No”. The problem is that you can’t say no all the time to a teenager. Saying no repeatedly is saying, “Go ahead, hold a grudge, do it anyway, and lie to me about everything.” Until the teen is part of the decision-making process, there will always be resentment and resistance if we say “no.”
Recently, my teenage daughter took the initiative to drive a considerable distance to protect some of our things when thunderstorms were brewing. I was very proud of her and told her, “real maturity is when you do something you don’t want to do but do it anyway.” How often do we encourage or reward our children for doing things they don’t want to do but do because it’s the right thing to do? We need to do that more. We need to be willing to teach our children that being in a family requires us all to do things we don’t want to do. This is accomplished by making agreements that the teen has agreed to honor. Something magical happens when they keep their agreements regularly and start to get the feeling of doing the right thing regardless of the loss of fun.
The key to raising teens is empowering them to make their own decisions. That starts with developing family guiding principles that they agree with. These are predetermined principles used to make sound decisions (ie safety, harm to others, moral, legal, etc.). It is extremely important that you have set boundaries and mutually agreeable agreements. Having clearly defined boundaries (i.e. curfew, visiting friends, nights out, etc.) and mutual agreements (i.e. “I’ll do my homework before I go to the movies”) will lead you toward a more harmonious home and teach you your teen that with freedom comes responsibility. They learn that by demonstrating responsibility, they open themselves up to more freedoms. Empowering your child to make good decisions for themselves and to recognize that breaking agreements can have consequences teaches them how to be responsible members of the community.
Once this is put into practice, parents are better equipped to ask (rather than demand or dictate) their teen whether their decision or action is reasonable or within the guidelines of their established agreements. As the adolescent begins to take ownership of his decision-making and takes responsibility for her actions, the sense of entitlement seems to diminish over time. This is the process of becoming an adult and taking charge of your own life and being responsible for her actions. After all, isn’t that what we really want for our children?
The art of making good decisions is an invaluable life skill. It turns the rebellious, unreasonable, unpredictable and adventurous teenager into one who learns that life is not just about them. Build their confidence and self-esteem as they define who they are by the decisions they make. It frees them from the irresponsible choices that lead to violence, drug and alcohol abuse, or destructive behavior that governs a large percentage of our youth population today. Handing over the decision-making process to the teen does not promote indulgence, but instead teaches responsibility and self-respect. Accountability encourages teens to more carefully consider their enthusiasm for rights by questioning themselves about the decisions they make. At that crucial moment in a teenager’s life, isn’t that what we want?