Grieving the death of the living: coming to terms with a breakup or divorce

Mourning for the death of the living

Grief for an abuser who still lives

Written by Randi Fine, Narcissistic Abuse Expert

Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Counseling with Randi Fine

There are things that we don’t want to happen but that we have to accept, things that we don’t want to know but that we have to learn, and people that we can’t live without but that we have to let go of. ~ Unknown author

It would seem that letting go of a relationship with someone who used, abused, and objectified you, be it a parent, friend, brother, partner, or spouse, would be a huge relief, a monumental weight off your shoulders. From a logical point of view, freeing yourself from years of control and oppression should feel good, and it may feel good for a short period of time.

Whether your abuser leaves you or you leave your abuser, whether you choose measured contact or no contact, there will come a time when the relief you initially feel will wear off and be replaced by a variety of disturbing emotions.

Ending a relationship with someone you were emotionally involved with is always painful. But realizing that the relationship you thought never existed and meant nothing at all to the person you trusted and loved is completely devastating.

As you accept what happened to you, you may experience periods of inexplicable loneliness, emotional wavering, and deep depression that last for days, weeks, or months. You may experience episodes of sadness, denial, and anger, in no particular order. This is all part of the grieving process.

Even though your abuser is still alive, the idealized relationship you hoped for is not. Your belief that the person will change is gone and a great void remains, which hope used to fill.

The grieving process is painful, but it is an integral part of your healing. It is important that you allow yourself to experience all the feelings that arise: cry when you need to cry, allow the anger you feel to surface. Anger is a necessary part of the healing process. It is the vessel through which your wounded self regains its voice.

Be kind and accept their thoughts, feelings, and emotions, even if they seem illogical. Take care of your physical needs: eat healthy, drink plenty of water, exercise, rest when you are tired, get enough sleep. Surround yourself with love and support.

It may seem like the suffering will never end, but it will. Don’t set a time limit for your pain. It is different for each of us.

There are five stages in the grieving process, as described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her groundbreaking 1969 book, About death and dying. Since the Kübler-Ross stages of grief apply to death and agony, not recovery from abuse, I have modified the explanations. The stages are still perfectly relevant.

You can experience the first four of the stages of grief in any order, and you can go through each of them more than once. Acceptance is always last.

1. Denial:

   1. Find excuses and reasons to hold on to the relationship.

   1. You want to believe, against all logic or rationale, that things can change.

   1. You don’t want to believe that the relationship is over.

   1. You refuse to accept the reality of what happened to you.

   1. The bad things that happened don’t seem so bad and the good things seem much better than they really were.

   1. You isolate yourself from others.

2. 
   Anger:
   

   1. You are mad at yourself for putting up with the abuse.

   1. You are angry at your abuser for ruining your life.

   1. You are angry at other people for disappointing you.

   1. You are angry with God or the Universe for punishing you.

   1. You hate your abuser for everything he has done to you and you fantasize about ways to get back at him.

   1. You hate yourself for being so angry and you blame your abuser for making you feel that way.

3. 
   Negotiation:
   

   1. You feel desperate to lose the relationship.

   1. You suffer from loss anxiety.

   1. You are willing to change your habits or give your abuser another chance to change his.

   1. You are willing to forgive and forget what happened and start with a clean slate.

   1. You are willing to renegotiate the limits you set.

   1. He asks you to agree to counseling or to offer to go yourself.

4. 
   Depression:
   

   1. You are overwhelmed by feelings of deep sadness.

   1. You feel desperate and helpless.

   1. You can’t get out of it.

   1. You cry often and you are inconsolable.

   1. You are unmotivated and lethargic.

   1. Has disturbed eating patterns.

   1. You have disturbed sleep patterns.

   1. He self-medicates with drugs or alcohol.

   1. You withdraw into yourself.

5. 
   Acceptance: always the final stage
   

   1. You accept the loss.

   1. You feel at peace.

   1. You are able to let go of the relationship.

   1. You accept the limitations of your abuser.

   1. You accept the choices you made.

   1. You let go of your resentments.

   1. You are ready to move on.

The Yugoslav writer Meša Selimovi? He beautifully summed up grief over the loss of a relationship in this quote:

“Everyone says that love hurts, but that’s not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone mistakes these things for love, but in reality, love is the only thing. in this world that covers all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that doesn’t hurt. “

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