Honor the difference between necessary and unnecessary suffering
Suffering is an integral part of life. Yes, I know that none of us likes to admit this universal truth. However, history and the most erudite scholars make it abundantly clear that legitimate suffering finds its way into every life, and we cannot prevent it from playing its part. There will always be aging, death and other big changes.
On the other hand, unnecessary or self-imposed suffering abounds. Over the past 30 years, I have seen him take over the grievance process and cause untold damage to the lives of so many bereaved. What is the difference between necessary and unnecessary suffering and what can we do with this knowledge?
Simply put, unnecessary suffering is self-generated. Our actions and beliefs, or the lack thereof, heap additional burdens on us as we face the suffering that is a condition of existence. And what can we do to minimize and then eliminate unnecessary suffering? Become aware of how we poison ourselves and add to the fire.
To begin, let’s go back to the first sentence of this article and emphasize that heartbreaking loss is a universal experience. No one gets a free pass. We all have to deal with them. One of the ways to eliminate unnecessary suffering is to accept certain losses. There is not a counselor alive who does not tell you that many of their clients resist what simply should not or cannot be resisted. Loss and change will always occur.
Therefore, it is critical to change the old beliefs you have held that difficult experiences of loss and change only happen to certain people, and by God, not me. Why is it essential to accept suffering as a fact of life? Because now you will have to address the questions of why? Why do we suffer? This exploration will lead you, as it should be, to the search for meaning.
If we can find meaning in our suffering, as those who have been through the hell of great loss tell us, we can bear any loss the world has to offer. So do a diligent search for the meaning; it will change your life and your way of seeing suffering. It takes time, patience, and a lot of energy to make this transcendent journey. But it will be worth it.
Your specific goal is to take any narrow perception of reality that you live in (we all live in a narrow perception of reality) and increase its dimensions. This means never stopping to learn, participate, and explore the wealth of information out there about the enormous complexity of the world, its mysteries, and the people who inhabit it. Specifically, it picks the brains of great minds, philosophers, theologians, and astronomers (yes, astronomers).
All of the above is a start to reduce what psychiatrist Carl Jung called neurotic suffering, which is suffering for no reason. He may also need to address additional sources of unnecessary suffering, such as the belief that he is a victim, that if he is a good person he will not have to deal with the suffering of a great loss, and that life is always fair.
And you will also have to deal with neurotic guilt. True cause-and-effect guilt is clear: You do something you know you shouldn’t, and now you feel guilty. In neurotic guilt, the enormous amount of guilt borne is out of proportion to the cause. There is no cause for this unnecessary suffering, except faulty reasoning. Here are some examples: I should have taken you to another ER; I should have made him stop smoking or drinking; I should have gotten her out of that hospital; if he had done this or that, he would not have taken his own life. The list is endless. Neurotic guilt is omnipresent during grief, which is why I give it a special mention here.
Anyone can reduce self-imposed suffering and, in most cases, eliminate it, because each of us has the power to choose to let go of old beliefs and behaviors that were unfortunately imposed on us growing up. Do all you can to find new meaning, take responsibility for your choices, and see the world from a new perspective.
This still doesn’t mean you have to accommodate suffering by any stretch of the imagination. But there is a reason for it. You have to find your reason. At the center of suffering is great knowledge and you will raise your level of consciousness.