How to handle criticism
The word “critical” is enough to make your hair stand on end. We bristle like porcupines, ready to shoot our angry quills at our critics. As Dale Carnegie put it, “Criticism hurts a man’s pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses his resentment.”
Of course, all criticism is not finding fault. When applied constructively, criticism can serve as positive reinforcement and motivate changes for the better.
Therefore, it is important to learn to handle criticism if it is valid without resentment, or to ignore the unjustified.
Points to weigh:
1. Consider who your critic is. Is it a friend or a casual acquaintance? Is it someone who doesn’t like you? Is it competing with you? Does he covet your job, social status, knowledge, or wealth? A friend will always criticize in a spirit of goodwill. His intention is to motivate you to change for the better. Criticism from such a person should be considered seriously and humbly. But if the criticism is intended to demoralize, discourage or denigrate, it is best ignored.
2. What is the nature of the criticism? Is it something in your behavior, manners, or attitude that offends others? If so, focus on the behavior that you need to change and change for the better. But if the criticism is unwarranted, ignore it.
Such critics feel important when they embarrass others. Ignoring them is a good way to snub them. There is no need to get defensive and justify one’s actions. I know of a lady that criticizing has become second nature. She always has something to say about other people’s clothing, color, hairstyles, or behavior. This does not make her love anyone. Her sour tongue reveals her inferiority complex and people keep her at a distance.
3. The criticism can be technical or specialized, in which case you have to be sure that the person is knowledgeable or expert on the subject. If one is convinced of the factual integrity of the critic, it would be wise to pay attention and make corrections.
There are literary critics whose criticisms are corrective. They speak from the knowledge of the subject. But there are others, who destroy the work of young or competing writers, leaving them so discouraged that they may never write again. As Pope says in his Essay on Criticism, “It is difficult to say whether there is a greater lack of skill in writing or in misjudging.”
ST Coleridge aptly described such destructive critics. “Critics are people who would have been poets, historians, biographers if they could. They have tried their talents on one or the other and have failed. Therefore, they become critical.”
A true sympathizer will critique privately one by one. You will be specific about what you feel is wrong. It will be honest, non-abrasive and will not forget to highlight the positive points. It will turn it into an interactive discussion, so that the criticized person comes out of this exchange with their self-esteem intact.
You have to acknowledge prejudiced criticism that is delivered in an impersonal way and often tinged with sarcasm. This type of person does not have the courage to criticize a person to their face, but would like to see them squirm in the presence of others.
Leonardo da Vinci advised those people. “Suppress a friend in secret, but praise him before the others.”
Three ways to treat critics.
• Avoid the person because you fear confrontation. As a result, resentment builds up to such an extent that he becomes blind to his own faults. Unsolved problems accumulate and multiply. Relationships are broken and never repaired.
• Attack the critic. Get defensive and argue. Insist that you are right even though you know the criticism is justified. Human beings are emotional creatures. Pride and vanity prevent us from accepting criticism gracefully.
• Accept criticism in a positive way. As Edison said, ‘Be a lifelong learner.’ Listen instead of arguing. Be prepared to admit that you could have made mistakes. Be willing to change what you need to change. Ask questions and clarify doubts if you think the criticism is vague or inappropriate. If warranted, work toward positive change.
“Human beings are perhaps never more frightening than when they are convinced beyond any doubt that they are right,” says Sir Jan Laurens Vanderpost.
To grow, one must remain willing to learn and be willing to learn from positive reviews. Like Emerson, we too must say, “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn from him.”