Jealousy: when you know you are not being cheated on, but you can’t control it
When it comes to jealousy, the problem and the cure may be simpler than the green-eyed monster would have you believe!
The problem:
There is a popular idea that when a person is jealous of the attention their partner is receiving or giving to others, they really want to get rid of it. It is as if when you are jealous, you have a subconscious desire to break up with your partner; therefore, his jealousy will drive him out of his life.
We disagre. Just think about the last time you were jealous of the attention your partner was receiving from others, especially if your partner is still in your life. Did you want to get rid of him or her? Or, rather, did you feel threatened that other people would steal it from you?
Now, there are people who are chronically jealous and use their jealousy to abuse those they say they love. However, we are not talking about that kind of jealousy. We’re also not talking about a situation where you know your partner is developing, or has developed, romantic feelings for another. We’re talking about the kind where you have a friend with whom you have enough camaraderie to get your attention and get on your nerves. Or she has someone at work who appreciates her dearly and appreciates that respect enough to make you feel insecure, like you’d better pay attention to this friendship.
This type of jealousy, when confronted, results in conversations that break down because your partner does not understand what is wrong. He is so convinced of the legitimacy and integrity of these friendships that his jealousy is perceived as something that shouldn’t exist at best, annoying or insulting at worst. Your lack of understanding, perhaps lack of compassion, makes your feelings worse rather than better.
The reckless one will put his partner in the position of choosing between friend and partner. The wise man will resist putting his partner in that position and will continue to grapple with the problem. If they tell you that your jealousy is a sign that you want to break free from your partner, you will probably respond angrily! You don’t want to get rid of your partner. What you want, more than anything, is to feel safe within your romantic relationship.
Jealousy boils down to a lack of self-esteem. The resulting behavior can get rid of the partner, but that is a symptom and not the problem. The problem is the lack of core value within the jealous person. You just don’t feel valuable enough to be sure of the knowledge of your partner’s love.
This could be extended to friends, parents, and children. Jealous people are rarely jealous of just one person in their lives. Jealousy is a theme that rears its monstrous green head over and over again. The problem isn’t with other people, it’s that you don’t love yourself enough.
If you are trying to get rid of your partner, chances are you are trying to control when and how you leave in an effort to demonstrate your sense of worthlessness and to pretend to hold on to the dignity of at least being the one in control. of the game. That is not the same as wanting to get rid of your partner and choosing a neurotic way to get rid of him or her.
The cure:
In the jealous person’s worldview, an ideal reality may be that all you have to say to her is, “Please stop looking at him,” and she does; Or all you have to say to him is, “Please reassure me every time I need reassurance,” and he does. In life, however, we need our friends and family as well as our intimate partners and immediate family. In addition, we need those people to belong to a variety of age groups with both genders represented. Life is simply fuller and healthier when we have great support systems with many perspectives available. Life is also fuller and healthier when our intimate partners not only trust our love, but also experience that trust from within.
When you are suffering from jealousy, you need to know that you belong to your partner and that your partner belongs to you. How do you fill yourself with confidence that your intimate partner is still madly in love with you and only wants you? There are several ways to do this.
If your partner can tolerate hearing you process about the relationship that makes you jealous, do your best to keep it to a minimum. Use I statements when talking about it. Make the conversation about your feelings, your experience. Chorus so you don’t get it wrong, but ask for support. For example, if you are willing to interrupt meals by accepting phone calls from your friend, ask her to stop eating. Ask her to inform her friend that she will not be taking phone calls during meals, but will call you back when she has the opportunity. Expect your friend to respect your relationship.
You are working to heal your jealousy, let your partner know that you expect your process to be respected and your feelings valued. You are not asking him to put friendship aside. She needs to respect the ways that friendship affects her life by setting good boundaries with her friends and family.
When making love, be present. Pay attention. Be honest with the fact that he is only sharing this with you! There may be a world of people who look up to him and want him to be their friend, but he only does this with you. Whenever there are moments when you declare that you are only his and he is only yours, be truly present with those moments!
Never process your jealousy when the two of you are intimate. That can seem punitive and ruin the moment for days to come.
Let him know that you want peace of mind. If he thinks making love should only put you at ease and it doesn’t, be honest. Friendships are luxuries that carry a lot of responsibility. One bit of responsibility is that we don’t use a friendship to hurt another, either on purpose or by accident. This is especially true when the injured person is our intimate partner.
Speaking of friendship responsibility, if you need the freedom to process your jealousy outside of the relationship, choose wisely. Choose a friend who loves your partner, someone who refrains from judging you and who really helps you process your experience and your feelings. If that person does not exist in your life, a trained professional will suffice. However, if that professional chooses a side, even yours, that person is no longer a good choice.
You are not asking anyone to help you drive a wedge between you and your partner. You are asking for help to heal the jealousy that resides in you, recognizing that it is your responsibility. Such assistance will not come from someone who needs to choose a side.
Spend as much time as you can loving yourself! We create what we put our attention on. The more you love yourself, the more people in your life will show up to love you. More importantly, the more you love yourself, the greater your confidence.
If you are struggling with jealousy, you should know without a doubt that you are worthy of your partner’s unconditional love and positive regard. Your partner can’t give you that. Life may not have given it to you yet. Your parents may not have had it to give. However, you can put that value on yourself! I love you! Love yourself like you’re madly in love with yourself until it’s true and then love yourself some more.
More than physical attractiveness, more than an attractive personality, confidence is sexy! Confidence will make your head spin again. Confidence will make her sit up and take notice. Confidence will make you more attractive to yourself and your partner. It will fan the flames of healing self-love and fan the flames of your romantic love.
Friendships outside of the main relationship come and go. There will come a time when your partner’s friend will be less present in both of your lives. When that starts to happen, go ahead and celebrate that fact between you and yourself! Let me remind you that yours is the main relationship. Let me remind you that you belong to your partner and that your partner belongs to you.
As your jealousy heals and the anger fades, celebrate the love between you and your partner. One of the problems that jealousy brings with it is an ever-present feeling of anger that can take so much time and attention that you may wonder how you will manage without it. You will manage without it.
As opportunities for laughter and affection increase, as processing gives way to conversations about hopes and dreams for the future, as you continue to share experiences that bring you together, your confidence in your own worth will continue to grow within you and within the relationship. You will discover that there is room for both of you to have as many friends and family in your life as you wish. Also, life can be full, rich, and rewarding as they actually grow old together.