Learning to listen better with ADHD: an act of self-love

One of my clients, I’ll call him Jake, found it easy to make friends because he was outgoing, funny, and very friendly. However, he had a hard time keeping friends due to his lack of listening skills. He was constantly interrupting. He would ask someone a question and then start looking for something more interesting while the person answered. His problem wasn’t talking or being sociable; it was listening that was so difficult. Jake felt that having ADHD made it almost impossible to hear when someone was talking about something that didn’t really interest him or didn’t affect him directly.

This may sound corny, but developing our listening skills is an act of self-love. Because? Because we miss a lot when we can’t hear! If all we hear are our own thoughts, we can’t hear what our child needs to tell us or why our spouse is feeling sad or when he has to finish a job or assignment. We miss out on close relationships and other joys of life.

I know ADHD and constant/racing thoughts make it difficult. Some people find that medication helps and others use other strategies to stay focused. Here are some interesting exercises to try. The practices below involve self-awareness and listening to things we don’t normally hear. They can be relaxing and pleasant if we approach them with curiosity and as an experiment to try. The important part is not to get too frustrated if your thoughts get in the way. That is perfectly normal and part of the process.

Practices to improve listening skills:

1. Begin to be aware of what is happening inside of you when someone else is speaking. Are you impatient, bored or restless? Maybe you’re not really listening, but waiting for a break so you can say something. Do you suddenly realize that you have been distracted and caught up in your own thoughts or worries? Do you interrupt because you are afraid of forgetting what you wanted to say?

See if you can tell when the act of listening requires less effort. Does it have to do with the person you are talking to? The volume or the expression of his voice? Do you listen better when there is an emotional charge to the conversation or topic? You may be a good listener when there are difficult consequences if you don’t. How does the environment affect your ability?

When you get the chance, write down your discoveries.

2. Develop your listening skills by trying the practices below. Do them for fun and see what happens.

A. Go for a walk in your neighborhood or in nature and commit to staying out of your head and listening to things outside of you. Depending on where you are, it could be birds, animals, children, traffic, or machinery. It could be the sounds of the waves crashing or the leaves rustling in the wind. Listen to any surprise. When you catch yourself thinking, calmly note how far you’ve walked, and then listen to the sounds again. (It may only be 5 feet, but that’s okay!)

b. When you’re not interrupted, listen to a piece of instrumental music you’ve never heard before. You may find some websites that are good resources for the type of music you enjoy. Relax, close your eyes and really listen. Can you distinguish the various instruments? Are there rhythms that change or repeat themselves? When you find your mind wondering, take a relaxing breath and return to the music.

vs If you get distracted or irritated by sounds, try a new approach. Every once in a while, take a few minutes to approach them curiously. Don’t label them as good or bad; just keep your ears open. Try not to identify what you hear as “the heater” or “the clock.” Try to listen as if you have never heard anything like this before and have no idea what it is. Sounds that used to be irritating can be turned into something interesting, musical, or fun with this kind of approach. If you can practice staying aware of what you hear without analyzing, judging, or letting your own thoughts get in the way, you may be able to transfer this skill into conversation.

I hope you find these exercises enjoyable and useful. It’s worth a try because you never know!