Love or chase an impossible dream? – Relationship tips
For most of us, love kicks in at a jet-set tempo. A whirlwind trip to some distant exotic island. Full of red-hot intensity, with wild episodes of passionate sex. The chilling sensation of discovering someone new is mind-boggling. I would like to refer to it as the preliminary stage or the euphoria stage, where each of you thinks you are the last man / woman on earth. Every word, every touch, every look seems like magic.
The mere presence of this person creates a tornado and you are in the vortex. However, over time, the intensity softens. They get to know each other, warts and all. You see sides of the person that you thought never existed. Where is the epitome of perfection? It is exactly at this stage that most of us go wrong. Because we are looking not only for the right person, but the PERFECT one, almost impossible. Just look at yourself first. You are perfect? no one is on this earth. The sooner we realize this, the sooner we stop chasing a mirage, a chimera.
Consider this scenario. You have met the person who completely fits your choice. Not only do you find this person physically attractive and confident, but intellectually they also provide you with meaningful company. Therefore, to use this cliche, you have fallen madly in love with “love.” One fine day, the “almost perfect” God-sent person starts to bother you. You discover to your utter dismay that this person has no sense of personal hygiene.
Her erratic ways, something that you found extremely “cute” is actually extremely dirty. Her underwear, I wish I had never seen it. His dresser makes you wear a mask because of the stench, you turn around, every time he opens his shoes, because the sole now has a couple of holes. And worst of all, it keeps the toilet open without flushing!
Enough is enough. Little by little, other defects are magnified. What about your behavior in the presence of other attractive people? Did you notice some serious flirting? What do you do in these circumstances? What action does it require? Roll over and run through life? Well, to have a personal opinion, I don’t think you should do that. Still.
Although these may seem like extreme examples that I saw, but trust me, they can also be true. When we begin to notice flaws, shortcomings, or the unexpected becomes expected, we shudder. Many relationships end here and do not continue beyond this point. A long-haunted dream is shattered. Romance crumbles like a house of cards.
But if you accept that nobody is really perfect, and you too may have certain shortcomings that are also abominable, then you don’t give up. You graduate to the next level of the relationship, with new challenges as new horizons open. A new level of intimacy, which is more mature, can be unleashed after this first repression of illusions. Many of us simply shut up at this stage, or turn to anger and irritation. Some of us just faint and flee into oblivion. If you decide to follow these steps (it can often be cowardly), sorry, you are missing out on a golden opportunity to move up to the next grade in the relationship.
Euphoria in any relationship cannot be a permanent fact. Or it wouldn’t be called euphoria in the first place. When euphoric love ends, another phase begins: the phase of seeking permanence in the relationship. You suddenly ask questions like, can I live my whole life with this person?
Will it remain exactly as it is now? Do I want children from her? What will she be like as a mother, and more. These are very important steps in the life of any person. Along with the questions, therefore, fear and insecurity also creep. It is very natural for it to happen again. But all this thought process often drives us crazy, as we were not prepared to face so many questions before.
Many of us read too much about this fear and assume that it is a sign of our lack of preparation or an indication that we should not move on. This is because the moment we start to think of a person who will appear in our lives very prominently, we become overly cautious and more critical in our opinions.
As we think and rethink, let’s not ignore the good side of the person, who got us to this stage in the first place!
Learn to enjoy this phase of the relationship, which is full of possibilities and opportunities. Last but not least, remember that this word “Love” means lifetime commitment, a difficult proposition for many. It is a process by which we learn to love ourselves, the person with whom we share our lives, and those around us.
In case you both decide to continue the relationship to walk towards permanence and commitment, remember, this is the most critical moment. Love cannot survive without the proper nutrients. It’s like that little tree, which can only grow with the help of food and water.
As Erich Fromm wrote in The Art of Loving, published in 1956, “The art of loving is like any trade. It requires patience, trust, discipline, concentration, faith, and daily practice.” The only constant in life is “change.” Relationships are no exception to this rule. As it changes, it grows, matures and becomes more stable, leathery and strong.
Maturity in any love doesn’t happen at the push of a button. It takes years, going through many ups and downs, through many rivers and oceans before a person can have a “mature” love for another person. Your priorities, in order of preference, should be to love yourself, then your partner, and then your family.