Practice being nice to yourself
It can definitely be a learning curve to practice kindness towards oneself, so this week I’d like to talk about step two: actively creating own goodness in your mind.
Once you start to recognize when you are punishing or judging yourself, you have opened the window to do something different with your mind. It may look like you just broke the window, but I promise you, you’re letting in some fresh air.
At first, you may notice that it takes several days or even weeks for you to realize that you are judging yourself.. The more you practice noticing, the easier it becomes. Eventually, you will find your mind beginning to wander down the path of self-judgment and you will quickly choose a different route.
Here is an example. In the past, getting on the scale used to be a catalyst for judging myself. It didn’t matter if I gained or lost a few kilos. If I had gained a pound, my mind would throw up terrible comments about my ability to control my eating and how bad I looked. If I had lost a pound, my mind would immediately jump to “Well, this certainly won’t last.”
After practicing and working on kindness to myself in a very specific way for the last two years, I can choose something much more pleasant, even before my mind starts to take those other paths. And the miraculous? I really believe the kind words. That is the result of much repetition. You may not believe the kind words you say to yourself at first, even if you are saying them. And that’s fine! The more you practice, the easier it becomes.
A couple of weeks ago, I got on the scale and found a couple of pounds gain. Instead of the old self-criticism, my mind went to this: “Hmmm. That’s interesting. I wonder why I’ve been overeating.” This curiosity led me to discover that I had been avoiding some sadness and anger in the grievance process and trying to suddenly “end” the grieving. What great information!
This was all a result of asking that question from last week’s post: What is the kindest thing I could say to myself right now?
In the past, I would have applied force. I would have said, “Now you MUST stop overeating and exercise MORE this week.”
Just when you think you need strength, you need more kindness. More force will only make it harder to figure out why what’s happening is happening, and you’ll want to rebel against that anyway. The key is to change that habit. As you feel amped up to self-flagellation, see if you can switch to kindness. Feel the difference in your body when you do that. Notice how much force of tension and self-criticism they create, versus the relaxation and relief of kindness.
If you are ready to practice kindness towards yourself more, you may enjoy the following exercise. I call him the I am incredible ready. If that sounds selfish, don’t worry. It is not. I discovered that with the usual self-criticism, it is practically impossible to create arrogance. The pendulum is swinging so far to the side of self-criticism that it would take a lot of effort to get to the arrogant asshole. In fact, by embracing your awesomeness, you’re less likely to focus myopically on your own shortcomings. Therefore, you end up being more present with other people. In fact, you will be less self-centered and more loving and compassionate towards others.
This is how you do it:
Get a notebook or a large piece of paper. At the top, write: The list I’m awesome. Each day, add 1-3 specific reasons why you are awesome. They can be seemingly small or incredibly large. Whatever works for you goes on the list. If you need a little help getting started, recruit a friend. You will start her list and she will start yours. Once you’re shooting, you’ll find it’s getting easier to come up with reasons why you’re awesome. (If you find this incredibly difficult, you can start with an “I’m about okay” list and work your way up to the I’m an awesome list.)