Should I withhold sex if he doesn’t commit to me?

Sometimes I talk to women who have begun to grudgingly accept that the commitment they so desperately want won’t come as soon as they hoped, if at all. Sometimes the man in question will delay discussing the engagement, or will change the subject, or agree to discuss it at a time in the future. But whatever strategy he’s using, he’s made it clear that he won’t be proposing or committing any time soon.

Needless to say, this often doesn’t sit well with the woman who wants this commitment more than anything. Often, she believes that she has waited with some patience. And she believes that the relationship is the right one at the right time. So, understandably, she may feel resentful that he doesn’t commit. And she may start to wonder what’s in all of this for her. After all, she is giving herself away. She is getting what she wants. Which is presumably a happy relationship that includes a healthy sex life. But she’s not getting the simple commitment she wants. This often leads her to wonder if she should give him less of what he wants (sex) until she gets more of what she wants (commitment).

You might hear someone say, “I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over two years. We’re not that young. He knows I want to get married. We’ve talked about this for months. At first, he told me it would happen eventually. But lately, he’s backtracked on this stance. Now, he just says he’ll let me know when he’s ready to commit or when he’s ready to discuss this issue again. But until then, he says I should back off. I love him so much, but this makes me mad with him. I feel like he’s being stubborn. Because I know he loves me. And I know he’s going to be with me. And I know he’s faithful to me. So, I feel like he’s determined not to give me what I want. And that makes I’m determined not to give him what he wants. Honestly, I’m considering not having sex with him just to show him what he’s like. He’d be like without me. My mom always said that a man wouldn’t buy the cow if he got the milk for free. Maybe she was onto something all the time.”

This is a very common question and you will hear tons of different opinions about it. What I’m about to share is just that: just my opinion, based on what I often see that works and doesn’t work. I understand the reasoning behind this. I really do. But, most men see this as a form of manipulation and most don’t take it very well. There is a risk here that he will do something to retaliate, and before you know it, not only do you not have the commitment, but you also do not have the relationship.

Now, in some situations like this, the woman will look around and realize that having sex when she’s not married is compromising who she knows she is. So she decides that she’s not going to have sex, not with him or anyone else, until she gets married. This is a very different situation than denying her sex simply to try to get her to do what you’ve been waiting for her to do.

I can’t tell you if this plan will work or even if you should. I can only point out that there are risks involved, just as there are always risks when you try to manipulate someone you love. And even if you give in, he’ll probably always know that you made him do it and that he didn’t marry voluntarily. I’m not sure this is a worthwhile risk.