The visit

My friend’s mother was coming to visit. I thought he would be excited, but instead he just shook his head and lamented the fact that while he had to work from his living room, his mom would be organizing the rest of his small apartment.

“What’s wrong with that?” I asked. Sometimes I wish I didn’t live in such a big house because I never seem to get it organized and the idea of ​​magical elves organizing all my closets and drawers was so enticing until I realized I would have to throw out a million and one. bits of paper, journals, books and knickknacks and suddenly the idea of ​​magical elves organizing my house didn’t seem so tempting.

When I first moved into my house, the first thing I did was organize my kitchen. It seemed like the most practical thing to do, since it revolved around eating. And then, after putting away all my pots and pans, and being busy complimenting myself on my organization skills, I realized how stupid I had been to start my kitchen when I couldn’t cook and most of my meals consisted of food. to go.

Did I mention all the empty pizza boxes collecting dust in the bottom of my trash can? I was wondering if those magical elves could get rid of them in time for the garbage collection days I keep forgetting. The empty sushi boxes in my car are something else. Maybe their mother or those magical elves could get rid of them. I keep forgetting to put them in the trash can when I go to fill up my car with gas.

And that made me think of my friend’s little apartment that his mother was putting together for the tenth time since her last visit six months ago. What was left to organize?

Curiosity made me drive to his apartment. My friend was sitting on the couch in his living room, industrially working on his laptop. No one was allowed to talk to him when he was working, so his mother and I quietly went into his kitchen to assess his progress.

Have you ever seen a nest of boxes on top of more nests of boxes, and compacted into almost nothing? That was the last project of her mother. And of course, each nest of boxes had the contents listed on the outside in microscopic print so that everything could fit on the little labels on the outside of the boxes.

I put on my glasses and got a magnifying glass, and I still couldn’t read the fine print. How the hell was my friend going to read what was in those boxes? My guess is that when his mom leaves, she’s going to turn those boxes over and put the contents of those boxes in more convenient places, like all over the counter and maybe the first shelf in the most convenient cabinet.

And that got me thinking. Maybe I should hire her to organize my house. What could hurt? As it is, I have no idea where I put anything, so I wear the same two outfits every week, or open the same cans of tuna when I’m feeling busy, or order a large pizza with different toppings. I try to alternate the ingredients so that I feel like I’m eating something different every night.

One day, my friend brought his mother to my house. He stopped at the door and his eyes lit up. I could see her mentally organizing my entire house before even looking at the various rooms.

“What is that room?” he asked her from twenty feet away.

“Oh, that’s my office,” I replied, not realizing that I had just opened Pandora’s box.

“Can I see it? I love offices; they are always so interesting.”

What could i say? She couldn’t exactly tell him to keep her nose out of this and not touch anything, could she? No, I couldn’t do that to my best friend’s mother. She walked into my office and I could see her mentally thinking about how she would rearrange my furniture and office equipment. Then she saw what she called “trash” on my desk and I rolled my eyes wondering what she was going to do with it.

I did not have to wait long. He looked through my “junk” and started putting it in piles. How he cataloged them is unknown. She seemed so pleased with herself that I didn’t have the courage to tell her that those piles of “junk” represented valuable information and that my entire business would collapse without them.

When he looked up and saw my nervous expression, he said, “Why don’t you two go inside and visit us for a bit? I can keep myself busy looking at all these interesting things you have stacked on your desk. I bet your desk drawers They also have interesting things.

I tried not to moan too loud. The contents of my desk drawers are the heart of my business and, no, they’re not in any particular order, but I know where everything is. Or should I say, he knew where everything was.

My friend’s mother was not like the magical elves I had envisioned, creating order out of chaos. She was more like a tornado sweeping through my office creating chaos out of the chaotic order that I had. I was wondering how I was going to make a living now that all my valuable pieces of information had been wiped out. Maybe it was carefully disposed of, but I’ll never know.

I didn’t want to appear too distressed and she assured me that everything was there, but now in its proper place and easy to find. In her own place? How would I know the right place for her and how long will it take me to find it?

When the two left, my head was spinning. How am I going to carry out my business? He even hid my appointment schedule, so I don’t even know who’s supposed to call me tonight or what topics we’re supposed to discuss. She made me sick at the thought of my clients thinking they hired an idiot and I didn’t even know how to find the things she organized.

A short time later, my friend’s mother called me to thank me for having such a great time organizing my office and to say that the next time she comes over, she would like to organize all my cabinets and drawers.

I’m seriously thinking about moving and I’m just giving my friend a mailing address so neither he nor his mom can find me. I’m also seriously thinking about getting several of those burner phones so they can’t call me to ask if they can come over.

But just the thought of moving and having to go through all those cabinets and drawers and find new places to put everything gives me the creeps.

Maybe I’ll keep this house to visit from time to time and rent a storage to live.