When your partner doesn’t talk
In cafes, restaurants, and at the water cooler, women complain that men don’t talk about their feelings. Admittedly, this is a stereotype. Some women don’t talk and some men do. In any case, what do you do when your partner doesn’t talk?
Some of the hardest things to talk about are problems in your relationship. Some people argue that they feel uncomfortable talking about relationship problems or that their parents didn’t handle conflict well, so they didn’t learn how to do it. People often don’t like to talk about problems because they fear it will lead to an unproductive discussion.
In this case, it may be helpful to have some troubleshooting guidelines. Most people (even conflict avoiders) are willing to engage in an argument if they feel there’s a good chance the problem will be resolved. I call this “productive discussion.”
You can start to improve your communication by establishing some “rules of engagement.” Select a time when you get along and are both in a good mood. Sit down together and talk about ways you would like to improve your communication. Stay away from blame and don’t point out your partner’s past mistakes. Instead, focus on how you want your communication to be different in the future. Some examples might be “Listen without interrupting”, “Talk for no more than a minute”, “Offer solutions”, and “If you don’t like the other person’s suggestion, offer one of your own”.
In the early stages, it’s important to know how to defuse an argument. The best way is to part ways when things start to heat up. Then agree that you will meet again within twenty-four hours to discuss it again. If the argument deteriorates the second time, you may want to consider couples therapy. It can be helpful to have a neutral third party who can create a safe environment in which you and your partner can begin to learn how to solve problems more effectively.
Most importantly, don’t get discouraged. Communication problems can feel overwhelming. In my experience, however, these issues are usually resolved with the help of a trained couples therapist.