Which Disney character are you?
I’ve been thinking quite a bit about the role of social media in the lives of middle-aged adults, the age group of my coaching clients. Although there are multiple networking sites online, the two largest are Facebook Y My spaceI’m focusing on Facebook because “seniors” are the fastest growing users of this particular social media, while MySpace continues to be dominated by teenagers.
According to the online magazine, IT businessin the first few months of 2009, “Facebook gained more Gen Xers and Baby Boomers in its membership ranks with working-age adults (26-59) seeing the largest age demographic increase of all in North America…” AND , according to Paul Briand of the national examinerEven more amazing is that since the first of the year, “the 35-44 category grew 51 percent and 45-54 grew 47 percent.” Wasn’t this medium something that teenagers like us used to live in on the phone? What could adults want from this vehicle? Do we use it to monitor what our kids do or to make sure none of their Facebook “friends” look older than 16?
One of the complaints emailed to me by one of my coaching clients was the following: “My friends never share on Facebook, they just answer those silly quizzes and invite me to do the same. I mean, don’t they have lives, Don’t you have something to share with me that is relevant or at least personal?”
Taking these silly Facebook quizzes, some created by Facebook members themselves, may be nothing more than an identity quest in a way that’s more fun than some traditional personality profilers like The Meyer’s-Briggs or the mental health test of 1930 The MMPI. From my experience, there’s nothing a middle-aged person wants more than a combination of more fun and more clarity about what’s to come in this next phase of life. It’s no wonder that Facebook has so many people taking these quizzes; Many of us are not as clear on what comes next as we were when we were teenagers.
The difference is that we now have so many more experiences to draw on when deciding “what we could be when we grow up.” If my hunch is correct, these quizzes may not just be a fun way to “share” yourself on Facebook, they may be a naughty way to invent who you could be in a free-for-all forum where no one gets hurt.
What I’ve found is that reinventing yourself in a playful way has great appeal after a loss of some kind, i.e. the kids have left you empty nested, filed for divorce, fired you, or fired you. desperate need for a different kind of job.
I’ve found that there are at least seven key things that help you figure out “what’s next” in the second half of life, and Facebook’s fun quizzes can be an unconventional way to let your soul guide you.
Lesson #1: Listen to your inner guide. Take the quiz: “What are your five favorite ways to relax when he’s alone?”
My experiment with meditation began just after my husband, a doctoral student living in Princeton, left me in his new commitment to “find himself” on the other shore. He kept hearing this little voice inside my head saying, “Slow down and listen to what you really want.” Like most people, I ignored this seemingly impractical request. After all, I had five jobs and was trying to graduate with my Ph.D. in May, only four months away.
As that voice grew louder, it became clear that I felt exhausted from having anything creative to say and didn’t know how I was going to meet my commitments with integrity. I eventually set out to take a free introductory course in Mindfulness Meditation, a Buddhist practice that simply fosters understanding and compassion for oneself and others.
Lesson #2: Expose your wildest desires. Answer the quiz: “If I could change lives with any famous person, I would choose these top five.”
Some people know what they would like to do with their lives when they are in the transition of midlife, but many more of us are afraid of being a laughing stock if we share this with our loved ones and friends. This may be hard to believe, but the biggest naysayers in our lives are often the ones closest to us. They don’t even have to be jealous or mean, they just have to care about us in a useless way, the way it conveys, “I just don’t want you to put yourself down and then live a life of regret.”
When you take these little quizzes on Facebook, they can be a way, a harmless way, to “get out.” As opera diva Beverly Sills warns us: “You may be disappointed if you fail, but you’re damned if you don’t try.”
Lesson #3: Be selective in sharing your wishes. Take the quiz: “If I could ask famous experts for advice, I’d pick these top five.”
Choosing people to join you in seeing your greatness can be tricky. As I said before, don’t look at your inner circle: they are too close to you and your own doubts and may even have contributed to it, indirectly, due to their desire for safety.
Take my ex-husband as an example (please!): an extraordinarily bright International Relations professor, speaks four languages, publishes about a book a year, but tends to avoid risks that might make him “look dumb”: any sport, dance or another way. to play in public or alone. When I told her I wanted to be an inspirational columnist and life coach like Martha Beck, monthly essayist for oprah magazinehe said, “Oh my gosh, Jennifer, you’ve got to be kidding me! You’ll never get another job at the academy if you do that!”
Your experiences may be very different from mine, and I hope they are, but if not, find a mentor or life direction coach (like me) if you really want to listen and follow your wishes. Go to those who see your essence and believe in your ability to try, fail, try, fail and get up and try again. Like the Japanese phrase nakorobiyaoki It says, “Fall down seven times, get up eight.”
Lesson #4: Have faith or find someone who does. Answer the quiz: “Among the superpowers of Marvel comics, which one are you?”
Henry Ford once said, “If you think you can, or if you think you can’t, you’re right.” I think you can, of course, but if you don’t believe this, please find someone who does and borrow their faith in your self-invention. My mentors, authors Valerie Young, Barbara Winter, and Barbara Sher, all believe isolation is a dream killer.
Barbara Sher in her recent book, Refuse to choose!, we believe that we can simply guess what we want to be and feel it in practice. She says, be an investigator. She dreams of at least 10 possible ways to make a living, gather more information in a library, volunteer, research any profession by interviewing others.
Sher recently spoke at a workshop and said that deep down we all know what we want. “When someone says they don’t know what they want,” she told her, “what they really mean is that they don’t believe what they want is possible.” We all need allies who believe in us.
Lesson #5: Never give up! Answer the quiz: “What Greek mythical legend
Hero/Heroine Would you be?
Malcolm Gladwell’s most recent book, Atypical values, talks about people who, by crystallizing circumstances, became movers and shakers during their particular moment in history, people like Henry Ford, Bill Gates, Rosa Parks, Yo Yo Ma, and Tiger Woods. One thing these people have in common is their passion for mastery, and according to Gladwell’s findings, they’ve given their particular love at least 10,000 hours of attention before they become famous for their skill.
So where would you rather be, in your routine or what’s next? To step into the unknown, you need to get out of your comfort zone. As my friend Patrick Snow says: “If you want what others have, you must do what others have done to get where they are.” Praying or believing in the “Law of Attraction” is fine but action is also necessary. If you’re willing to take baby steps, even try a new behavior that challenges you by just one degree, you’ll be building what you want to see complete one day. I say, “Do things the way ants do, one small gesture at a time.” Which brings us to our next lesson…
Lesson #6: Start where you are. Take the quiz: “What does your date and time of birth say about you?”
My favorite teacher and the Buddhist abbess Pema Chodron wrote a book about 15 years ago called, start where you are. After raising her children, she felt devoid of purpose and confused by her husband’s new hobbies that often took him away from home. One weekend, she came home to find him in bed with a friend of hers. In shock and rage, Chodron tossed an expensive 14th-century Ming vase to the floor.
Within a few months he began studying with a Tibetan lama Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche. He gave her techniques to cultivate compassion for herself and her (now former) partner. He told her, “There is nowhere to go, nothing to do, no place to hide. Just start where you are.” She responded by saying, “I can’t wait for this transition period to pass!” She said with authority, “My dear, all life is transition.”
All compassion-focused meditation begins with the present: we breathe the very thing we wish we weren’t. Making friends with ourselves and feeling our emotions, instead of just analyzing them, is the way. We are always going through difficult or pleasant emotions. Finally, and perhaps put another way…
Lesson #7: Receive the Gift of the Present. Take the quiz: “If the end of the world were near, what are the five things you would appreciate the most?”
In 2005, when I was between jobs and without the label of “professor” or “psychologist”, I was devoid of purpose and felt like an oyster without a shell. I had no idea how connected I was to my “white collar” title until I ran out of it. I suffered many sleepless nights made worse by isolation and self-pity. One night, I sat up straight around 2:00 am with the gift of this particular awareness: “Jennifer, unless you can be thankful for the first half of your life, the second half will not be an improvement.”
Sometimes it’s hard to feel gratitude, but the good news is that it doesn’t matter. You don’t have to feel grateful, you just need to practice appreciating what you have: life, friends, family, a working body, a roof over your head and daily food, etc. Gratitude is the gift that keeps on giving. Adding the gifts within your present experience will make any future success even more profound.
These seven garments are basic practices that I use and share with others. If you have any you’d like to share with readers, pass them along to me via my helpful book blog.