Teaching children how to communicate during a disagreement

Good communication is the backbone of any good relationship. In a family, healthy interaction provides a framework in which love and intimacy can thrive. Each family member learns to give (and receive) respect and acceptance. In this way, communication allows families to become stronger, both as a group and as individuals.

At least, that’s how it should work. But often, strong communication skills are lost when your child defiantly disobeys you. Have you ever listened to brothers in the middle of an argument? (Or maybe you’ve been one of those siblings?) So you know it’s NOT an environment where love and acceptance thrive. It’s times like these when emotions run high and anger takes over. Parents and children often say and do things they later regret. Hurt feelings and a lack of trust can result when a family does not use good communication skills during times of conflict.

The fact is, it’s not that hard to be in a loving relationship with the people you love when everything is going well. The real test for a family is how they communicate when things are tense. Parents play an essential role in teaching their children how to treat people when they are upset and angry. Parents need to teach their children certain communication skills so that they can get angry without hurting another person. Some of the most important things to teach children include:

1. Being loud does NOT mean you are heard. In fact, the opposite is true. Yelling at someone usually causes that person to tune out. We parents are often guilty of forgetting this and yelling at our children to “make them listen.” Instead, we should model being stern and authoritative, without raising our voices. (It takes practice, but it can be done!)
2. Love and respect are more important than winning. One thing is vital to remember here: personal attacks are the most damaging and the hardest to undo. When you criticize someone’s looks, intelligence, personality, or other parts of who they are, you quickly cross lines that shouldn’t be crossed. Personal attacks made in the middle of arguments can leave emotional scars that never heal.
3. Let children know what the limits are. The limits include personal attacks, as in the previous point. But they also include expressing hate for each other and saying things that aren’t true just to prove a point. Perhaps the most important limit: no physical violence! Physical violence can escalate in seconds, with disastrous consequences. It shouldn’t be allowed.
4. Forgiveness is immediate and absolute. In arguments, both parties usually have reasons to apologize. When the discussion is over, it’s time to reconnect. A great way to reconnect is for each person involved to apologize for their part in the conflict. Don’t let disagreements drag on. Life is too short to spend time pouting over hurt feelings.

It is important to remember two final thoughts. No family learns these skills overnight. There will be failures and setbacks along the way. But children who communicate well during conflict will develop deeper and more satisfying relationships with the people they love.

Parents have two vital roles in helping their children learn these skills. First, parents teach by reminding their children, even in the heat of conflict, to communicate respectfully. Second, parents must model these principles in their own communications. When parents fail to meet the standards we teach, we must be quick to acknowledge our failures and ask for forgiveness. Children really do follow our actions as much as our words.