How do I move on when my heart’s still stuck?

I sew the title’How do I move on?‘because I can’t tell you the countless times I’ve personally searched for that title, hoping to find the answer.

• That’EXPECTED‘Of us and how that’fit‘In our lives

Do you know when your emotions and feelings are adamant to stay on the same path, never on a different route? It can be annoyingly frustrating to have to live with it.

Expectations:

– School.

– United.

– Jobs.

– Wedding.

– Home.

– Children.

– Mid-life crisis; which can be in the form of cheating, doing outrageous things that are not in line with the person’s normal character, abandoning the old routine/life for a new one, or a host of other things a person might do.

– Withdrawal.

– Purchases of coffins.

– Or something like that…

Reality: (mine)

– School.

– Relocation.

– School again.

– Loss.

– Hospital.

– Jobs.

– Slight phase of rebellion.

– Love.

– Heartbreak.

– Humiliation.

– limbo.

– Soul Search >?

*sigh* I used to think life would be easier. When he was little he used to close his eyes so hard wishing he would grow up already and be able to do all the ‘ fun things‘just that’big people‘seemed to be allowed to do. I did not know.

I experienced living without my parents from an early age, at which time I also moved countries, experienced mild mental and physical abuse by a guardian (although thankfully not in a sexual way), failed school (and all the ‘me’ issues that came with it), coping with loss, having temporary physical problems, and having to grow up a little faster than I had anticipated. (although how many of us have had that, huh?)

• the epiphany

Now, despite everything I’ve been through, nothing could have prepared me for falling in love and the intensities that come with it. Maggie, a fellow blogger, posted an article on the different stages of heartbreak. At the end of reading and listening to it all, she was wide-eyed. She just couldn’t stop crying. She touched me to the core.

The song: Youth by Daughter, describes exactly how I feel. And you know what? I HAD NO CLUDE THAT’S HOW I FELT! It wasn’t until I heard it and hail was pouring down my face while crying my eyes out that I realized something I had hidden so deep inside of me that I actually forgot it was there.

I started writing to help me vent and not keep everything as bottled up as I always have and really try to change for the better. So yes, I do write and advise both my readers and myself.

Do you know what I realized?

That I’ve been telling myself: Yes, I’m ‘fine’. It may not be perfect but I’m doing well, I really am. I wake up in the morning, eat, laugh, work and set new goals etc. That must mean I’m fine, right?

Guess what? It’s all bullshit!

Because?!

Because I’m sharing the surface of what I’m feeling, but I’m not just totally repressing, I’m totally ignorant of how. i really feel deep inside my heart.

I locked the very center of my heart and swallowed the key (come to think of it, I actually remember a while ago mentally thinking I’m going to lock and lock that part of my heart and never face or unlock it). again. Even I had forgotten about that).

I know many of the positive compliance steps, books and rules for a better life and really try to enforce them myself. But you know what? I’ve ‘just’ realized why I find them boring and why they all sound the same to me… is because they lack the most essential ingredient for anything that can be considered a success. They lack: Heart.

And I am reminded once again why I started my blog in the first place. Hoping that I can add a bit of that important ingredient to my daily life and share it with my readers as well. Heart. So many things in life today lack the most important thing without which it is difficult for us to live as human beings.

I know consciously that I will not get far in life until I really open my heart. I constantly talk about really opening up, but I didn’t even realize I hadn’t been doing it myself, until I heard ‘Youth’ and the reality of how I really feel deep down, just came crashing down around me!

• Why despite everything, I “couldn’t” and “didn’t want to” divulge my everything

Would you like to know because Have I been unconsciously denying my emotions and how I feel? Cause somewhere inside of me is terrified that I’ll be’court‘. Yeah’Feelings‘they are involuntary so why are we so scared’feel‘them? Shouldn’t they be a part of us since they are out of our control? I doubt I’m the only one on earth who feels this way.

Then yes. In a judgmental society, I am afraid to show my (acceptable) inner thoughts and feelings.

I’ll give you an example: the other day I was sitting in the living room of some best friends’ house, relaxing. We get up, go to the kitchen to make popcorn, then we watch a movie and she says; Jay, why don’t you “expose yourself” and get a man already (something like that).

Now she would always reiterate this from time to time and I would smile and shrug, not wanting to talk about it. Now every time she said this, on the surface she tried to act like I didn’t care, while on the inside she screamed: I WANT even though I don’t know how to do it! A part of me is still very obsessed with the man I love who is gone! Even though that’s the case, I still want to learn to love again nor do I want to die alone! I want it so much that not a day goes by that I don’t want it!

Would you ever tell him that? No.

As we are in the kitchen:

Her: You still like that boy you loved.

– Me: (automatic reaction) NO! Not precisely…

– Her: *smile* We’ve been friends for almost five years and you’ve loved him since I met you.

– Me: (For now I interpret that; as if she said, seriously! Move now, in other words) *smile* silence (in my mind I’m wishing she knew what was going through my head right now)

So that’s the end of it (we’re close enough that she knows not to push me about things I don’t want to talk about and am doubly grateful for). That’s what I mean by ‘judgments‘ and ‘Expectations‘ whether intentional or unintentional.

I mean, isn’t that to be expected? Have you moved already? Isn’t that part of the norm? (insert: *list of things) to move on and get over someone? And if not, then there is something’mistaken‘with you? and if I do them and I still don’t advance then that’s even worse and now I have’syndrome she has unhealthy attachment to people‘?

Well, what happens when it doesn’t turn out that way? Isn’t it understandable that the person ends up ‘closing’ in one way or another? I don’t know about you, that’s what happened to me.

To be honest here, no one In fact wants to hear someone else talk about the same thing. After all, who would want to be around that kind of negative energy all the time? Not many, which is completely reasonable.

• The ugly truth about how I sometimes’see myself‘

you see, i feel abnormal about how i feel. That my feelings have not changed as much about the person as I should not‘ still harbors feelings for. (Yes, I know we have a right to feel what we do and I love and adore every bit of advice I get about it. After all, where would we be without reminders?)

It still doesn’t change how I feel. Now, just because I feel this way doesn’t mean I AM what I feel. I’m just sorry. Am’in the knowledge‘about how extraordinary we are as people.

losing my’Love‘and tell me that’he was not good for me‘ (which is the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ card that actually translates: it’s not me, it’s you!) makes me feel like a complete and utter failure. Every time I hear his name, my heart feels like it’s continually dying again and sometimes I have ragged but consistent boots of fear and sadness, but I force myself to push him away and hold on until it’s over. can never recover. A bug that I knew was a ‘bug’ at the time. I know it doesn’t have to be the reason he left. The thing is, I really thought I was ‘okay’ until I realized the truth is…

I feel:

– Rough.

– Not/Never good enough.

– Disgusting.

– Idiot.

– Less atractive.

– Unable.

– Unreliable.

– Not wanted.

– Refused.

– Not exist.

– An important.

– Unnecessary.

– And as if my ‘Love’ wasn’t enough or worth it.

I was able to be replaced without even looking back and I don’t know if he ever loved me. Or if he will even remember my existence. Sometimes I’m surprised that she even remembers my name. After all, I was easy to dismiss. I know I shouldn’t care, but a part of me, all of me, does.

• Acknowledging is better than suppressing how upset I feel

Feelings can’t be controlled, so I can’t blame him or myself for anything. he did not do it Do anything for me. Doing something to someone is literally physically hitting someone, physically forcing them to do something or anything along those lines. Otherwise, despite what we may feel, we are solely responsible for what happens inside our bodies, minds, hearts, and everything. sometimes it’s justeasier‘to have someone for’blame‘.

So how can I blame him for anything? I wanted to be with his ‘one’ that was never me… and that’s something I live with and hope to get over it one day.

I’m even a little grateful that he left me. It would have been worse if I had continued to love and be loyal to him when he didn’t feel the same way about me. This is better right?!

I can’t shake the shame I feel about all of this. eat me I am silent, internally struggling with this every day. Unfortunately, denying it doesn’t eradicate its existence, so there you have it.

I think that’s why I don’t like to see lists in ‘how to move on‘ and ‘heal‘etc… every time I read them it’s like I’ve read them all. Also because they are not forall‘. I prefer’options and ideas‘ instead of a ‘set list‘ for any given thing. Each of us is individually different, which is why I love knowing that there is a separate technique for each of us.

Thank you for reading.

Oh yeah, and about that title: I’m still looking…